When I look into the mirror, I can’t believe who is looking back at me. This feeling had been my companion for years, but one thing changed. The girl on the other side, is not the same who she was not long ago.
Even tough I used to live a life most people crave, and jealous about, it never made me happy. My personality hardly developed, and I was only a shadow of that smiley, in-the-middle-of-all-the-attention young girl who I was 20 years ago. The mirror looked at me and I saw this; a girl who was broken by life already in her twenties. Who seems rather like a ghost than an actual human being. Who is not a useful member of society. Who is lazy. Who is completely lost, have no life goals, no plans. Who has too thick thighs. Who has a too big butt. Whose breasts are not big enough. That’s right! I let all the negative critique over years accumulate and change the perception of me. Of course, I was complimented many times as well, but my brain and heart only picked up on the hurtful messages.
I hated the mirror because so often I saw my red eyes and puffy skin under them from all the crying. I didn’t have a bad life, but the last few years of it took a toll on me real hard. After work I just watched series. Or I imprisoned myself in the kitchen to make the time pass. Sometimes I killed time by cleaning. There were better days too, even really great ones, but the bad days came frequently. This is how the reflection of me became grey and forgettable.
At the beginning of 2015 I moved back home to Budapest after 6 years abroad, to find answers. I hoped that the familiar environment will bring back the little girl I lost somewhere along the way. Thankfully I didn’t need to wait long for progress. When I faced the truth about my ex-boyfriend – who I was planning on getting married to – that over 5 years he had been cheating on me almost continuously, something broke inside of me. Not only my heart but my beliefs, my values, my core. My life ended then and there. I learnt that it was my fault. I let him treat me that way, even tough I felt something was off. I didn’t fight for respect. I stopped pointing fingers at him since I can’t change anyone, so I started pointing fingers at me. The only component that I have full control over.
I started exercising again to release the stress of what surrounded me at home since the truths showed its ugly face. I escaped that apartment at every given opportunity. If I wasn’t working out, I was with friends and family, just please don’t make me go home to that man. I didn’t want to go to a place where I’m not respected and I’m not loved. But why would have anyone respected me when I didn’t give that to myself.
A change began when I achieved my only childhood dream. I got physically and mentally stronger too. I was riding my bike faster and faster, every muscle in my body tensed and I got back in shape. This is when I noticed that beautiful woman in the mirror who I am today.
2016 the big journey
Last year was all about me. Nothing had been only about me for the past 20 years. I got more selfish. I became the most important for myself. I fired some old friends who held me back and surrounded myself with people who I looked up to. I constantly educated myself and improved my skills. And I never forgot to check in with the mirror every morning.
2016 brought the wind of change together with the girl from 20 years ago. I stepped into the spotlight once more with courage, but this time, with a story.
Today I obtain a very healthy self-image, but it took me 2 years of incredibly hard work. My reflection is very attractive, pointful and happy. And I admire this creature every day. I adore this woman. I adore her mind, her soul, her thoughts and her look. It wasn’t easy to accept myself for who I am, but it was all worth it. It brought honest happiness.
What did I change to become her?
On my Facebook page most you met the words I will list here, but a little reminder never hurt anyone. Here is a non-complete list of some changes I made to become an example:
-I compliment myself loudly. Each morning I stare at the mirror and I admit how attractive I am
-I listen to my favourite music while making banana pancakes for breakfast. Because I deserve to eat well and not be rushed. I rather wake up early but never start my day in a hurry
-I make a mental note of all the things I’m thankful for
-I compliment others
-I never rush
-I never stress, since every mistake can be corrected, and I don’t kill anyone with them
-I take conscious control over my mind. When I feel anxious, I search for the cause and convince myself why it is a waste of emotion to worry
-I pay attention to my thinking process, so when I feel down, I drive it towards something positive
-I spoil myself. I buy my favourite cake to reward myself, I work out to stay strong, no matter what. I never sacrifice sports neither for friends nor for work. That is my time!
-After each training, I preen in the mirror and admire my beautiful muscles, since I highly value a fit body
-If someone hurts me, I cut that person out of my life, since I respect myself enough to not make friends with energy vampires
-I talk to strangers on the street to compliment their bags, their dogs, just to pass on my energy generously
-My hobby and passion is my job. I involved myself in various projects to keep the challenge and the self-development constant
-I learnt to say no. If someone asks me something I consider too much, I refuse
-Peer pressure has no effect on me. I don’t do anything because people think I should do
-I live in the now. Not in the past, not in the future
-I don’t watch TV, don’t drink, only party for as long as I need, I cut way back on meat since it too took much energy away for digesting it
-I spend a lot of time interacting with nature bare feet and lose myself in the moment
-I cut back on chatting with others, I don’t use my phone when I’m with friends, but also at home I only reply to the majority of people after 3-4 days, to not waste my precious time on chat
-I’m honest with myself. I dare to shine in a crowd. I dare to be clever and beautiful in a crowd
-I only live up to my own expectations and not other’s
-I dare to make mistakes, what would I learn from otherwise
-I don’t blame people anymore, instead, I search for my own shortcomings because I can change them. So as my ex was cheating on me all along, I stayed. It was pointless to blame him, I did this to myself
-Failure doesn’t exist anymore. I will reach it. At any cost.
-I dare to dream big because there is no impossible
-I never forget to self-reflect and appreciate the long journey I covered and I don’t get cocky about the future
There are many more things that I would advise anyone, but it’s easy to talk once I have done it. First I had to hit rock bottom, so there is no other direction but up. I was forced to change. Or I would have witnessed my life passing above my head.
As I mentioned a few days ago on Facebook, I was born a winner. I was faster than all my siblings and my mother let me in first. Life is a gift of the big win so allow me to enjoy the crap out it. I will leave this life as a winner.
Now I believe that I can accomplish anything, I deserve it all, and I’m capable of becoming big. When no one believed in me, I had to believe in myself. So I did. And here I am. Happy. Truly happy.
After each article, I can only hope that I pass on my energy to anyone who needs it the most. When everything is falling apart, we can always stand up. There is the winner inside every one of us. Just look around, we are alive. We get to experience life. Don’t let it pass over you. Live every moment of it, because there might not be another one.