I have been waiting for weeks now to get inspired to write this article, but I felt my thoughts were not organised yet. When suddenly I experienced a wave of epiphanies and one of them was recognising and understanding my inner cycle. Have you ever felt very down or anxious for no good reason? Or have you suddenly felt the need for a change, but didn’t know where it came from? What should you do with it? Why does it happen from time to time?
What is an inner cycle?
In my opinion it is my subconscious talking to me. It knows best what I want before I can verbalise it. For example when you are unhappy with your job, your subconscious is working hard to let you know, you need a change. You can try to fight it for as long as you can, it will catch up with you. How many times have you seen people in their 40s or 50s leave their corporate job to open a kindergarten, or start teaching, take an art class, or go travelling? I can’t even count the occasions.
So I want you to look deep inside of you and remember a moment when you felt an eager desire for a change, or you felt uncomfortable with your situation for no apparent reason. Now remember another time, did this feeling ever come back? Do you recognise a pattern? Every year, every 6 years, every 20 years?
Discovering an inner cycle, getting answers to questions like ‘why did I make such a difficult decision?’ or ‘why does this bad feeling come back to make my life difficult?’ were the beginning of an incredible psychological and spiritual journey for me last week.
I used to be the girl who never ever wished to discover the world, or live abroad. No way! Instead, I fancied the standard life with a degree, house, car, kids and a sexy husband who attends to my every need. Yeah right, naiv Fanni. My inner cycles started in 2007, during my first year at university.
One night my guardian angel visited me. As for a hard headed non-believer-sceptic this was a game changer experience, the beginning of an avalanche. Until this point, I refused to accept the existence of any sort of spiritual activity, as I stubbornly believed in facts, science and numbers. Well, that went out of the window when I realised, whatever happens to me, is real to me. I would like to invite you in my dream before I line out more theories about inner cycles:
Meet my guardian angel
I will paint a picture for you, so you can vision the dream as clearly as I remember. Read it as many time as you need to see all the details.
Picture an empty space, a thick fog where you can see nothing, but whiteness. Now visualise a perfectly vertical, deep brown mountain wall, that stretches so far in all directions, it fades into the whiteness before you can see where it begins, or where it ends. You are sitting on this wall in a tiny space carved into the mountain, just big enough for you to sit straight, but with your legs close to your chest. You are hugging your legs. You are wearing nothing, but pure white underwear. Everything is silent, even your breaths.
You are looking into the white emptiness wondering ‘is this life?’. Important existential questions are rushing through your head. When you lean over the edge of your tiny space to scout the area, you notice others. People from varied racial background, age, hair color and height are sitting in their underwear in the same position as you did a few seconds ago. They are far away from you, scattered around the wall, staring into the emptiness without looking at you. Everything is silent.
Suddenly, fuzzy shapes appear ahead, as they slowly sharpen, you recognise skyscrapers. The horizon starts to look like the skyline of New York, but the fog makes it impossible to observe any detail. After long silent minutes gazing at the buildings and others on the wall, you decide to break the norm. Life is boring on the wall, so you are looking for an opportunity to get out. You detect this incredibly strong desire for a change.
On your right hand side there is a rope hanging, but it is a good two meters (6.5 feet) away from you. The rope has an end, but it does not have a beginning as the milky fog blocks your view. To jump and reach is physically impossible. You are terrified, your heartbeat is visible on your chest, you are taking short and quick breaths as you feel the fear slowly poisoning your mind.
At this moment thoughts racing through your brain. You can’t decide whether to jump or not, as it is highly likely you will miss and fall. Still, living life on a wall in silence is stimuli-free and dull. So ready, steady, jump! You missed.
Before you begin falling into your own death, a feminine hand appears from the above and grabs you. The mystical woman helps you to the rope and you start climbing. Eventually you reach a large carved room, still on the same wall. This time, the room is comfortable with wooden floor beneath your feet, white curtains covering the window carvings and a white double bed ahead. You walk across the entire room till the bed and on your left there is a unevenly carved, full body sized window without glass, overlooking the skyscrapers, only this time, you see them clearly.
You have your hands on either side of the window wall and you can finally hear the sound of the wind and sense the gentle breeze on your skin. The mystical feminine hands come over your abdomen, she is cuddling up with you. You can only perceive the hands of hers.
Right now you feel free, in peace, well-balanced and happy. All your fears drained, your heart is strong and your mind is open.
Interpretation of the dream
To keep the long story short, after waking up, I was under shock, so I took quite a bit of time in bed thinking about the meaning of it. In my opinion, the skyscrapers were my way of perceiving the world, my view of the world. A few people were sharing this ideology with me, that’s why we were looking at the same skyline. The rope represented a fresh opportunity. It seemed impossible, because in real life, I felt paralyzed, lost and frightened of change. When I took the leap into the unknown, my guardian angel appeared to assure me that I have nothing to be afraid of. She saved my life to send me a clear message; with curiosity and courage I can make things happen and take control over my life. My angel guided me to a safe space, which in this case was the room of opportunities, new experiences and clarity. She reassured me once again about the importance of bravery, by cuddling up, making me feel loved, important and rewarded for my courage.
Let the cycle begin
Shortly after making sense of the experience, I made the decision to go abroad for study. At the age of 19, I journeyed to Portugal for one semester. Soon the delicious drog of travelling intoxicated my mind and my inner cycles began. A pattern was born. My body had a strong desire for stimuli and every time I fell into a “textbook definition” routine life, the subconscious reacted. The message was always delivered the same way; insomnia, lack of energy, wacky dreams, tiny panic attacks. Even though it took me 8 year since I was 19 to interpret the messages, a few days ago I finally connected the dots.
My cycles came on average once a year and my solution was always the same; moved county, changed jobs, made new friends. You know, just the usual insanely stressful and difficult changes what my mind desired. Before I thought, I was running away from something, but today I know, I was running towards my destiny I was not aware of.
I was never one of those kids who always knew what they wanted to become. No-no, exactly the opposite. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with my life until a few months ago, when I went hitchhiking in Europe for 25 days. Then I understood my inner cycle is not measured in time. It is simply my soul communicating with me whenever it feels I’m not living the life I crave deep down. When I finally made these connections during meditation, I knew if there was a heaven, this was it. Without being aware, I have been making all these decisions towards my life goals, self actualisation and happiness.
The final level of the Maslow pyramid
If you are not familiar with Maslow’s work, he argued that we have different levels of needs. Starting from the simple physiological needs to survive, all the way to the highest, which he called ‘self-actualisation’.
During that mind blowing mediation session I mentioned above, when I saw the connection between my feelings, thoughts and actions for the first time, I also realised that I’m on the journey towards the final destination on the Maslow hierarchy of needs. At this point I don’t feel qualified to argue if everyone is destined to reach it, but at the age of 27 I’m incredibly blessed to have come to the realisation of my journey.
My point of view on this topic, is that everyone has a different kind of self-actualisation. For some, it is raising children, for others it is saving lives in a hospital. None of them are better or worse than the others, but for me, it is travelling.
Everything I have done, do and will do will serve only one purpose; to follow and live my dreams. Now that I’m fully aware of the reasoning behind my actions I feel fully equipped and empowered to eliminate the word ‘impossible’. Thankfully this stable set of mind has wonderful side effects; contagious smile, happiness, attracting the right people, love of others and myself, appreciation and many more.
Since I’m listening to my inner cycles I’m constantly meeting the right people who pass on the right information at the right time. It is like, my guardian angel is making sure I stay on my path. On a final note, I’m glad beyond words I did not dismiss the dream at age 18. I was so closed minded, so intolerant and ignorant. As everything happens for a very good reason, my angel knew the right time to visit me and help me develop into someone who is capable of self-actualisation.
Up next: A topic on how to get back in your life when you arrive home after travelling, or in other words, how to reconnect with your old life and deal with the ‘after-travel depression’.
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